isaacmarston

fear the faceless terror that haunts my every moment

fear the faceless terror that haunts my every moment

I have struggled with fear a lot in my life. In August 2009 when i was 21 years old i was diagnosed with nonseminoma testicular cancer. It metastasized to my lu...
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I have struggled with fear a lot in my life. In August 2009 when i was 21 years old i was diagnosed with nonseminoma testicular cancer. It metastasized to my lungs, liver, kidneys and lymph nodes. My cancer eventually progressed to a stage 4 but through extensive chemotherapy and surgeries i come through alive. Two months after the last operation, a retroperitional lymph node dissection, which left a 18 inch scar from my sternum to my pubic area i decided i had to move on with life taking the only job i could get. As a mason tender, mixing cement and carrying rocks. It was brutal work and i soon was able to find a better job working in a hospital. I saved up and bought a house a few years later. On the outside i was doing great but on the inside i was a different beast altogether. You see i wasn't afraid to die i was afraid to live. After my 5 year oncology checkup everything was all clear. I could not however, even comprehend that it was okay for me to be alive. I sunk into a deep depression the winter of 2014-2015. I did not get out of bed for many months except to go to work. I had thought about suicide for quite a while originally planning it during a vacation in October. In January after months of this being the only thing on my mind i made a valid attempt to end my life. Miraculously i survived. I was able to find a friend to help me through to a better frame of mind. Since then i have strived to maintain a positive outlook in life. It has been hard but incredibly rewarding. I am doing well now and now have hopes and dreams for the future. Always remember when you think you just cant go on any more that someway somehow you must find a way to carry on.

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